from now on i'm kitty

She said i should be angry after asking 7 last questions about a thing we weren't supposed to talk about in the first place ever again like she said after each one of them.
I'm not
I never am
not even disappointed or sad, just purely amazed by the amount of confusion one person, who never was real, can actually cause. Then i feel silly for making it to be such a big deal, i look down to my feet and tell them to carry me far.
This was the first time we saw each other after coming back. Six days is an incredibly long time, and she had lost some of her colour. But so has everything else.
City looked nicer, more appealing than i thought, and i felt good. I put my feet to a plastic bag, and covered my face and arms with a scarf, she asked if i wanted to die and then red me words in chinese.

par avion

I have never really known what i look like. They say i look different now.
I feel less full, lighter, emptier maybe.
It happens everytime, but this time it's on my body, and i don't quite know what to do. I will grow used to it, and every day i am a bit different. More or less real.
Everything looks nicer when they are grey, even me.

We shall burn bright

I met him, and for a lack of a better word,
it was fantastic.
We talked, or he did,
and i haven't felt that safe and good around anyone for so long.
I can still smell him, taste his lips.
It was not a good idea, and now three endless seeming days later i know it. More than anything would i just want to be with you.
I'm so very, very sorry darling. You should've never fallen in love with me.
And it was naive for us to think that we could go through it with out a change-
I didn't cry in the train, all i felt then was happiness and love, and i fell asleep watching fleeting fields, sheep and lambs.
Now the actual physical pain that i felt has settled into a lump to my lower abdomen, and the chrushing emptyness grows in size every time my mind makes me think of you.
It feels like my heart has been torn of my chest, put into a blender and fed to fish that have now been eaten by bigger fish.
I know it's not possible, i knew it the whole time. I feel so horrible for making you go through this, it would be fine if it has just been me.
I still can't stop thinking about how to make it work, how to have you.
Plan how to get you close.
But it's wrong time, wrong place, but i don't want to give up.
I don't want you to stop loving me, but i know you have to.
I will plan something out.
I need a happy ending.

Queensway

It's incredible how slow time can go, but still days are over in time that feels like seconds.
When there is an ocean between, and no one else talking, Finnish sounds beautifull from a mouth of a friend who's toes i had never seen before.
A boy from Chile called me Kitty, i've never thought about it, but he might have been right. At least about the couscous. They chained the windows that night.
The violet and yellow decoration of Indian restaurant next to Trashy Lingerie saw all our seven faces. Two of them cried in the subway.
We fell in love with all the white and nude around us, and we won, 11,7-10.
Next time I will not return.

feeling small

And still you don't want to share it just yet. I guess i understand, and it is probably better.
All though the idea brings me down like a sackful of potates running downhill.
There is nothing to lose.
I guess it doesn't matter, nothing does really. And just like i've almost forgotten my other subject of ebbeing, i will forget this one too. It's just that, you were the first glimpse of light for a long time.. you are.

We put our hats on on a cash queue and drank champagne straight from the bottle standing next to Havis Amanda. Saara ran to us dancing and the heads that formed a perfect vertical line were smiling.
They make me feel alive.